Before retiring, my wife was the executive secretary to the president of one of the nation’s largest labor unions. For that reason she was always fashionably dressed. And even now that she is retired and no longer finds the need to wear such cloths unless on special occasions, she still enjoys watching fashion shows on one of our cable channels. Of course I am bored into another dimension. The reality is, because most of us guys have the attentions span of fruit bat, any fashion show other than a wet T-shirt contest sends us off into la la land. But what about a designer fashion show for bass fishermen? Now that would be…well…different. And there is no doubt it would be the subject of conversation for weeks after, not to mention possible nightmares. Anyway, picture yourself at a fashion show, strobe lights flashing, and Merle Hagart pounding out a heart-felt, and, yes, lip-quivering rendition of “I’m Proud To Be An Okie From Maskokie.” And here he comes, the first bass fisherman model prancing down the runway as the master of ceremony’s microphone crackles to life….
And here comes our first bass fisherman of the evening. Yes ladies and gentlemen, highlighting his protruding stomach and belly button seductively winking from beneath its ill-fitting polyester plaid shirt is our first angler. You’ll notice his stained Levis are loose in the crotch and baggy in the butt, giving plenty of room for his abundant anatomy to spread out while bending over to net a fish. You will also notice their heavy-duty belt loops created to handle the heaviest of key rings, no matter how many keys are on it. Our model is also wearing a set of stylish sunglasses that can be found in almost any discount bin. But forget about a fashion statement, these over-sized babies easily hide the ogling eyes of the fisherman who spots a young lady sunbathing on a dock. And, er, unlike our model, we recommend the manufacturer’s tag be taken off. Thank you Ricky D Basser. And on to our next model….
This bass fisherman is obviously carrying a designer cooler made by…aaa, Bud Light. In a dimly lit room, its colors nicely compliment his pre-stained by the designer sweat shirt, with sleeves cut off at the shoulders to reveal a tastefully created and obviously well-thought-out tatoo of a snake wrapped around the body of a naked woman whose name seems to be…aah, Tammy Fay…or Ray, possibly Bay. Anyway, with a healthy touch of imagination, complimenting the sweat shirt are a nicely wrinkled pair of cargo pants, their numerous pockets giving ample room for fishing worms, maggots, salmon eggs, a forgotten sandwich, or any combination of the above. Their heavy-duty velcro straps ensure that whatever their contents may be, they will remained safely confined until the wife is shocked into another time zone when discovered on wash day. Thank you Billy Ray Thorpfester.
Our next bass fishing model is sporting a four-day growth of whiskers that highlight his well-worn baseball cap, its brim tightly curled. Of course the brim now serves absolutely no purpose in shading the eyes or face. So forget about cataracts or stage three melanoma, this tattered headwear becomes far more important as a fashion statement, and can be worn either forward or backward. It also compliments his tattered cowboy shirt missing its lower buttons and once more revealing another protruding belly. Below the belly which nicely hides the Bass Pro Shops belt buckle you will notice the Denim jeans. They sport ragged holes that reveal blindingly white portions of his legs. As he returns up the runway, you will also notice a well-worn ring on the rear pocket. That is where he carries his can of chewing tobacco. And as you can see by his smile which is revealing teeth obviously lacking their original count, he does enjoy chewing tobacco. Thank you, Willy B Wartle.
Our last model reveals a bold new look in bass fishing attire. He is wearing a nicely pressed and clean pair of cargo shorts and a brightly colored shirt covered with patches advertizing almost every lure, outboard motor, and boat manufacturer that is dedicated to the sport of bass fishing. If he actually uses any of the products advertised it is totally by happenstance. In actuality this bass fisherman couldn’t give a rip less about what products are represented on his shirt which he purchased on the internet. He simply wants to look like a professional bass fisherman who has sponsors begging him for his endorsement. So please, ladies and gentleman, let’s give the wearer of this style an understanding round of applause for wanting nothing more than to look like a…well, really good bass fisherman.
Well, what do ya think? The idea could go cable. Hey, if Duck Dynasty and Swamp Hunters can make it, I see no reason…..