After sixty-eight years I have learned not to make New Years resolutions I will never keep. Somewhere around my 55th year, or was it my 65th year, I came to the conclusion that most resolutions are only broken vows seductively dressed in the lingerie of hope. A good example was my New Years resolution to quit smoking. I made the same resolution every year, and I broke the same resolution every year. Then some three summers ago I said enough was enough, and I quit. It was as simple as that. It had nothing to do with a resolution in any shape or form.
When I think about it, for us old farts we have a perfect excuse to break resolutions. We simply act as if we didn’t recall making such an assinine promise in the first place. After all, old people have brain farts all the time. In fact it’s expected of us. So here are a list of “old fart” resolutions I have made but intend to forget.
1. I promise I will try the new erectile dysfunction pill being advertised on television, so that I am ready “when the moment is right.” After all, the product obviously works so well that the two people in the advertisement have that look in their eyes that if the moment was right in a McDonald’s restaurant they would not hesitate in brushing their quarter pounder and fries off on the floor and bumping uglies right there on the table. But at our age I may see the next coming of Jesus before my wife’s “moment is right.” And without a pill I have no problem whatsoever complying with her timeline.
2. I promise that if I have an erection lasting longer that four hours I will report it to my doctor rather than spend the day bragging about it.
3. I promise I will only purchase a First Alert button if they make it about half the size it is now, sell it in silver or gold plated, and hang it from a tasteful necklace. In other words, design it to pass for jewelry, for God’s sake! My mother had a gaudy plastic model that looked more like a walkie talkie than a necklace. And to at least hold onto some form of dignity, I would also change the dialogue in the commercial. Instead of saying, “I fell down and I can’t get up.” I would say, “I unintentionally laid down, and I prefer to stay here for a while.”
4. I will restrain from attempting to impress guests at my home with my Clapper light system. Besides, they may clap with glee and shut the damned things back off.
5. With my state’s new legalization of marijuana, I promise to purchase the full collection of Chia Pets with a whole new use for them. Who knows, a little giggle grass may make “the moment right” for the wife and I. Or at least we’d have a good laugh trying.
6. I promise I will never again jump to conclusions without first putting on my glasses. One of my wife’s hitch hiking brown nylon booties from the cloths dryer does a fine job of impersonating a blurred blob of shit in the bottom of my underwear.
7. While on the subject, I will never ever use any public restroom without first making certain it is equipped with toilet paper. Whether I am there for No. 1 or 2 is of no consequence.
8. If there should be a mixup while separating freshly washed cloths, I promise to never again cross-dress. I also promise to remember men’s shirts button right to left, and women’s from left to right.
9. I promise to never again attempt breathing water. Along that same line, I promise to have a life jacket on the next time I do an unexpected one and a half gainer out of my boat. On second thought, I don’t think I’ll forget that resolution.
10. And lastly, I promise never to do anything else that may cause my wife any further premature aging or nerve damage….Well, nine out of ten ain’t bad.