Men Are From Mars And Women Are From…I Don’t Have The Slightest Idea

I have been married three times. After thirteen years, the first ended in divorce, my second ended when she died of cancer, and now, after fifteen years, I am still quite contentedly married to my third, Maxine. And she is a true blessing. But I am not going to sugar-coat it, like every woman, she is an alien from a distant planet!

While gulping for air under the tumultuous waves of my first marriage, I read the book, “Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars.” Though, over the years, this book’s teachings immensely helped me to be a better husband, I still have found the book lacking. In fact the title should have read, “Women Are From A Planet Light Years Away In A Far Off Galaxy, Men Are From Mars.” Venus and Mars are far, far too close together to give a visual reference to the differences between men and women. First of all, the book didn’t save my first marriage. It seems it has a stipulation that both husband and wife must read the book and put its teachings into practice. As it turned out, this stipulation was a little one-sided on my part. And because she refused to change, to this day when brought together because of family events, it only requires a few minutes to remember why I am so happy she is someone else’s wife. Anyway, I believe a few alterations should be made to the book; the first being how many pages are needed for the woman and how many are needed for the man.

I believe it reasonable to say, out of 397 pages, 396 1/2 would be needed for the man to learn the psychiatric make-up,  the thoughts, feelings, needs, and demands of the female. No more than two paragraphs, (and that would be stretching it,) are really required for the woman to learn the makeup of the male. Yes, ladies, we are that shallow!

Concerning the females I’ve known, it seemed that they believed the reality of a fulfilling relationship was found in a romance novel or movie. Though I stay away from romance novels, I have seen their covers. And never once have I seen what was revealed under the hero’s open shirt looking anything like my upper torso, even when I was in my prime. Of course, on the other side of the picture, I can never remember bending any female over in a tumultuous kiss that had a body as on the cover. Like their covers, romance novels are not reality. As far as romance movies, I’ve seen my share, and they all end “happily ever after,” with the couple wrapped up in a sensual lip lock, and then the camera pans off into a heavenly sunset. Sigh!  And damned be the man that doesn’t live up to that ending…for the rest of their relationship!

Of course, on the other side of the coin, many men still look at their wives as that of those on the television programs back in the 50’s and 60’s. The perfect wife was up at dark o’clock to see the husband and children off to work and school after serving them a hearty cooked breakfast, having their lunches packed, and a kiss to each as they gleefully went out the door. And damned if these wives weren’t also wearing a dress, perfectly combed hair and makeup. Now is that too much to ask?

Now, when it comes to a man’s needs, they can easily be filled in two paragraphs…tops! Whatever subject the man brings up is important and closely listened to and agreed apon, The wife always looks nice, but never too nice to catch the eye of another man. Never begin, insert in the middle or end a dialogue that involves true personal feelings.  And, most importantly, always be a perfect angel in public, but a devil in bed, and damned be your mood or time of the month! Wait a minute. That’s only one paragraph, and a very short one at that. But for a correct post, I’ll add a second.

When it comes to a man’s thinking, feelings have nothing to do with it, If the problem cannot be solved logically, we are at a total loss. We do not share our feelings or our past, unless it fortifies our male egos. When it comes to female “venting” we are at a loss. A woman saying she doesn’t want or need an answer to her problems, but just someone to listen to them is something that is far out of the realm of a man’s rationalization. We become mentally confused and lost. Our job is to give answers, not just listen. If you don’t want a solution, why are you crying your problem in the first place? And this is just one of the many light years that separate the mind set of males and females.

Age and maturity have been a wonderful teacher to me. And I do look at some of the stunts young husbands pull and roll my eyes; probably the same stunts I did when I was their age. But believe me, I am far from having all the answers to getting along with my wife. No siree bob! Not by a long shot. We are both 68 years old, and I still have no problem finding ways to get in hot water with her. And when it comes to those marital confrontations, my wife seems to find great satisfaction in being a collector. She quietly hordes away my screw ups in some mega bite computer hard drive in the back of her brain to be used at a later time for one grand outburst. Of course, having the normal male pea brain, I am at a total loss as salvo after salvo is fired at me, not even remembering half the things I’m being accused of. I did them, of course. But do I remember them? Of course not. How does she do it? My brain would have went into total melt down attempting to hold half the information she had in storage!  Thankfully these occasions are rare. And I am so grateful for that. I hate fighting with my wife. Hell, I hate fighting with anyone! And for the most part our home is a peaceful home.

I once watched a movie where a woman and her two children lived in a home they believed was haunted. In the end of the movie they find out that they are the deceased ghosts, and those they thought were doing the haunting were actually the living residence of the home. Maybe that’s how it is in a man, woman relationship. Even though us men think it’s the woman who is from a distant planet, in actuality it might very well be us men.

And that, gentlemen, is how you end a post that keeps me off my wife’s shit list….For now….


8 thoughts on “Men Are From Mars And Women Are From…I Don’t Have The Slightest Idea

  1. Haha I love this… the first paragraph me me laugh already. I think we are from very very distant planets and the fact that you’ve written this makes you already one step above the average man. But in someway women can learn SO much from men. Seriously….. we can be very very difficult (I’m sorry women, can we please stop the ungoing RAGE of feelings). I once read a quote that said “Women spend more time thinking about what men might think, than men actually spend time thinking”. Think that says all I want to say.
    This comment is all over the place, but so are women.
    Love your writing!!

  2. I once heard a story that clarifies the difference between men and women. A man invited another man over to his home for a steak dinner. The visiting male took a bite of the steak and asked where he bought the meat. The male host said, from Harry’s Meat Market. The same story, except a female invited another female over to her home for a steak dinner. The visiting woman took a bite of the steak and asked, where did you get the steak. The female host spun around and said, Why, what’s wrong with it? That story speaks volumes!.

  3. It’s all beyond me too mate. I don’t know, maybe the secret to a perfect marriage is that the man knows when to listen and the woman knows when to shut the hell up.

  4. I have known for a long time now that I am the only man in the world that understands women. In the last 17 years of my life being married to the same women and putting up with her family (of which I dearly love) my conclusions are as follows. No matter what we do or say at any given moment we are wrong. We are incapable of performing even the most mundane tasks without their supervision, let alone exspressing any thoughts outloud. Heaven forbid that we do something to bring up old memories (of wrongs from the past) they have no inhibitions on sharing them with all who are within ear shot. By the way i agree totally on the length and amount of screw ups a women can store. Take notice, they will always alter a few small details to suit their own needs at the time of these tellings, and defend themselves that you are the one who cannot remember. the true events.
    As far as the shit list goes, I am suprised that you have not figured out that we are always on it. This is just a natural state of being. They give us a chance to heal and regroup like the Romans gave the Christians before throwing them in the ring again, it is called pity, an emotion we do not have. Think about it without the list they have no control over us. We are their pets and they are the masters, we eat when they feed us, we sit when and where they tell us. and if we pee where it is forbidden out comes the newspaper and besides the beating they rub our noses in it and throw us in the corner. It is only when they leave that we can and do chase the cat and howl at the mail person and that makes the world right for us.
    One final note to this is that I am as sure as the sun will rise in the East is that we are loved and that makes all we put up with, worth it.

  5. Wow, you brought to light several wife traits I never even thought of. Anyway, glad you could relate to my post. And thank you for signing onto my blog. I hope I entertain. I will do the same on yours.

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