I have written several posts that mention, and sometime speak directly to the subject of getting old. There are people who find comfort in the saying, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Well I hate to be a wet adult diaper, but the reality of the birth date shown on your driver’s license does not lie. For that reason I have made a list of ten signs to watch for that truly announce one is getting old, and ten of my personal signs added just for the hell of it. The candles on the birthday cake are the first sign.
1. You know you are getting old when one fat candle is used rather than the traditional amount of candles per year. I have to say it. The person who invented the candle shaped in the form of numbers was a genius! No one, loving spouse, offspring, sibling, or relative believes it wise to bring a towering inferno to the table that could possibly make the town’s fire department a part of the festivities. And let’s not forget the actual lighting of the candles. By the time the person doing the lighting has gotten to the 50th candle and still lighting, the first candles lit are flickering on their last fragments of wax, not to mention the metal tip of the Bic lighter being used is also being heated to the temperature of molten lava. A blood-curdling scream coming from the kitchen usually reveals that the skin of the lightee’s finger or thumb has been welded to the lighter.
2. You know you are getting old when someone looks you square in the face with widened eyes and asks how old you are…and presents the question in a voice much louder and slower than normally spoken. And that brings us to the next sign.
3. You know you are getting old when you state your age, and the asking person reveals a wide smile and nodding head, “Wow, you’re really looking good.” Of course there are others who do not have a shred of feelings who simply reply, “Wow, that old huh? Cool.” And then immediately begin scanning the room for somewhere else they need to be.
4. Remember back in the days when you were asked for I.D. when buying alcohol? You know you are getting old when you enter a business that offers senior citizen rates, and you make it known you are a senior, and they don’t ask for I.D. And, worse yet, you know you are getting old when offered the senior citizen rate without even being asked for I.D..
5. You know you are getting old when hair begins disappearing from where it should grow, and begins growing in areas of the body it shouldn’t, and at speeds that can actually be seen.
6. You know you are getting old when you begin dressing as if spending the day at the golf course or possibly auditioning for a clown act; polka dots, stripes, and plaids worn in any combination being acceptable.
7.You know you are getting old when trousers begin a slow but steady migration up the body, eventually spending their remaining days somewhere around the nipples. And that brings us to another “old people” attribute:
8. You know your are getting old when you find the need to wear both suspenders and a belt…at the same time….for no logical reason.
9. You know you are getting old when a senior woman asks, “Is that bulge something in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” And you remember that your catheter needs changing. And lastly….
10. You know you are getting old when after years of hating to dance you begin to believe you are another John Travolta on the dance floor. When in actuality you look more like John Travolta having a seizure on the dance floor.
And here are 10 signs that personally fit me.
1. Forget about eye protection, I knew I was getting old when I wore sunglasses only for the purpose of not being discovered ogling girls young enough to be my granddaughters.
2. I knew I was getting old when I watched a Viagra commercial’s warnings, and thought that rather than contact a doctor for an erection lasting longer than four hours, I would much rather boast about it.
3. I knew I was getting old when I turned on the computer and the first site I went to was my “fishing reports.”
4. I knew I was getting old when the most important decision of my day was, “should today’s drink be a rum, coke and ice, coke, ice, and rum, or a ice, rum and coke? And the choices overwhelmed me.
5. I knew I was getting old when my wife purchased an over-the-counter pill that supposedly helped my memory, and I forgot to take it…every morning. The good news is I’m saving her a bundle!
6. I knew I was getting old when the first segment of the local newspaper I go to is the Obituaries, and surprisingly find great joy in seeing that the grim reaper is still too busy picking on other people to visit me.
7. I knew I was getting old when my doctor insisted that the reasons for my heaving breaths and aching muscles was not caused by a well-kept government secret that oxygen levels in the air have decreased, and gravitational pulls of the earth have increased. Of course, there is the chance that my doctor may be an active participant in the secret.
8. I knew I was getting old when I no longer treated a fart as a relieving friend, but rather something not to be trusted. Once more, refer to my post Rules For Old People-Rule 1.
9. I knew I was getting old when my body parts decided it was pay-back time for the injuries I shrugged off in my youth. And lastly.
10. I knew I was getting old when I actually began making jokes about me getting old.