Well, another fishing season is fast approaching, and once more I’ll begin rising at dark o’clock to hook up the boat. I’ve made the polite suggestion on many occasions that it would be nice if the wife would rise an hour or so before me, have coffee ready while breakfast sizzled, and then hand me my lunch along with a smooch as I head out the door. And like June Cleaver and Harriot Nelson, a dress and apron worn would be nice, not to mention combed hair and makeup, with maybe a hint of perfume. But somehow she just doesn’t realize the importance of this aspect of marital bonding. At least that’s the impression I get when she pats me on the cheek and coos, “In your dreams.”
Anyway, this year I have quit fishing at night. It seemed like a good idea in the beginning. First of all, my wife was up and about to see me off, I had a nice dinner before leaving, and I could sleep in in the mornings ta boot. But there are problems with night fishing. First of all I can’t see what the hell I’m doing, and certainly can’t see where the hell I’m casting. While casting toward the shoreline, if I hear a splash I know my lure hit the water. If I hear nothing, then I know my lure is somewhere up a tree. But there was one unforeseen problem I didn’t expect. I got spooked!
A couple years ago I got hooked on Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, and any other Paranormal programming being aired. The problem with that is their ghostly experiences have a way of sinisterly hiding in the back of my mind until I’m out on the lake. With a thin blanket of fog forming on the water, I begin hearing the sounds of the night all around me…Did I mention I’m the only boat on the lake, and it’s dark? I mean really dark? Then I begin thinking about all the poor souls that over the years had drowned in the very waters I’m fishing. It is then that the past paranormal episodes I had watched come charging into immediate memory, bringing with them the vision of a tortured spirit slowly rising to the surface near my boat. Not good!
Ya see, the problem is I enjoy watching an encounter with a spirit that’s on the other side of a television screen and happening to someone else. But I would not relish having a first hand experience. Without a doubt, if I were to even hear an eerie voice, much less see something paranormal, I would freeze in terror. The only part of me that would move would be my bowels, and, unfortunately, I would have no control over that part of my anatomy.
Of course, this shouldn’t be surprising. My wife loves scary movies. Not gory scary, just scary. I hate them! The first thing I do is pour myself a stiff drink, and find the nearest blanket. Or, as my wife refers to it, “my blanky.” Cute! This is used when a quick covering of the eyes is needed, or an occasional thumb to the mouth for a quick thumb sucking. I have always had this phobia. Not sucking my thumb! Scary movies!
Many years back when I was young and single I went out with some guys. We decided to go to a movie. Much to my disbelief, they chose the movie Albert Hitchcock’s “Straitjacket.” Not wanting to show myself as being a pussy, I quietly went along with their plan. I will say right now, there is only one thing worse than having to watch a scary movie. And that’s having to watch it in an enclosed theater…with two thirds of the audience being girls. It’s bad enough being scared out of my wits when something truly scary actually happens. But even the quick opening of a door would send these girls into screams reaching a decimal level of standing next to a jet engine at full throttle. And, of course, I would catapult straight up, leaving my skin still seated. I remember leaving the theater making a valiant attempt at hiding my permanent nerve damage behind a thin veil of facial tics and weak smiles. Never, ever, ever again will I go to an indoor theater to see a scary movie!
So now I only fish during the daylight hours. The water dances under a friendly sun, birds sing, and I don’t have to chase a lure somewhere up a darkened tree. And one never knows when a goolish hand will reach out from the water behind and grab me! Okay, I’m a pussy!