How To Use A Road Map And Still Survive A Vacation-Part 2

Grob’s wife continued to complain. Not only because he was not following her directions, forgetting to make a right at the last tar pit, but also because the scratchings on the rock were difficult to read. It was then that Grob got an idea. He decided to copy the map from the rock onto tree bark. On bark the map was far more legible. But still his wife complained. It seems Grob didn’t think of removing the bark from the tree. Of course, neither did his wife. She was complaining because her and the kids were detached to carry the end of the tree with the roots still attached.

Three sprained backs, two hernias, and a fractured foot later a revelation came to Grob. While the wife and kids were complaining of their aches and pains, the tree slipped from Grob’s grasp, leaving the bark still in his hands, and the tree crashing down on Grob’s foot. While hopping around on one foot screeching and grunting, the nearest sounds to today’s more colorful vocabulary, Grob realized he was still holding the map minus the tree. That day Grob took a giant step toward today’s road map; almost as large a step as his kids did in learning a whole new vocabulary of screeches and grunts.

Whatever happened to Grob is lost in time. But my guess is he probably ended his own life. Unlike modern man, he had no other vacationers to compare what was normal and what wasn’t. So rather than face another vacation with the family he threw himself into the nearest volcano.

The road map has come a long way since then. Besides showing the easiest route from point A to point B it also attempts to show the traveler every lake, creek, river, airport,  county, state, and national park. Now this all sounds very helpful, but there are hidden problems that may at least equal Grob’s tree map. The first is how a map is folded. Grob found the easiest way to store his map made of bark was to simply roll it up. Obviously, that was far too simple. Some degenerate with a twisted sense of humor decided to take his frustrations out of the rest of the world by creating a folded map that would rival, if not surpass, the complexities of a Rubic’s Cube. Only once have I succeeded in folding a road map to its original form. But by then I discovered that not only had our vacation ended, but my wife had given birth to our third child. I was shocked! Not one member of the the family seemed the least bit impressed that I had successfully refolded the map. Nevertheless, so as not to miss out on any major events, not to mention alienation from the family, I first suggest abandoning any attempts at refolding a map to its original form. Simply fold it the easiest way possible, totally ignoring its original creases. Or, if that takes too long, do as I do. Thrust it in the glove compartment, and continue thrusting until all corners are inside.

To Be Continued-Part 3


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